HOBBY LOBBY OPPOSES VIBRATORS FOR EMPLOYEES

THE SPOOF!

Hobby Lobby CEO Opposes Vibrators For Employees

Written by Keith Shirey

 

 

   

Tags: Contraceptives, corporations as persons, obamacare, Sharia Law, true religion, Virgin (Sexual)

Saturday, 5 July 2014

NO VIBRATORS FOR HER

President and CEO of Bobby Lobby, Cotton Mather, gave an exclusive interview to this magazine today. It is part of our series on the role of the corporation in U.S.society.

The background for this particular interview is that the Supreme Court has ruled that the access to contraceptive coverage granted by the Affordable Care Act creates a significant burden on a corporation's free exercise of religion in the case of Sebelius v. Bobby Lobby Stores, Inc.

Here is the interview:

Thrush: So, this is a great victory for you Mr. Mather.

Mather:: Well I would say that it's a great triumph for the Lord and the Holy Spirit who guided the Court.

Thrush: Your opponents say that corporations are not human beings and therefore cannot practice religion.

Mather:: Our Corporation is financially successful because God's blessing has graced it. We are blessed because we are conduits for His will.

Thrush: But a corporation is a legal fiction, it can't have a religion.

Mather: No, corporations are legal persons. The law has long held that corporations have a "personality." You might say it's endowed with "personhood" the way that a fetus is. Both corporations and humans possess souls if they have a Christian essence.

Thrush: Aren't you imposing your religious beliefs on your employees?

Mather: Sure. The court says I can because I have "sincerely held" faith views. Look, private aspects of life, like sexual conduct should be regulated for those living in a legal system based on true Christianity. We're not there yet, but the Supreme Court is heading in that direction. It's the job of the American Corporation, which, as I say, is endowed with personhood, to enforce Christian Sharia law.

Thrush: Sharia Law? Could you give me an example of what you call Christian Sharia law.

Mather:: I'd be happy to. The law has been embodied into the laws of many states. One of the aspects of Sharia is to promote female purity. That expressed itself in Alabama with a law that was passed making it illegal for women to possess vibrators. Of course we at Hobby Lobby give information to our female employees about the danger of sex toys.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.