JOHN BOEHNER CALLS IN EXORCIST
JSwift News
Washington-- Because of the efforts of his wife and
House colleagues who carried out an intervention, Speaker of The House,
John Boehner, who was the victim of demonic possession, has had the demon
expelled. The rite of exorcism was presided over by Fr. Richard
Denton. The priest is the rector of Church Of The
Holy Sacrament. It is located in Boehner’s 9th
congressional district in the state of Ohio. The priest and the speaker are long-time friends.
When interviewed by this newspaper, Boehner’s
wife explained that she had noticed a significant change in the
Speaker’s behavior.
“Around the house John stopped crying. I
hadn’t seen tears for weeks. Then he stopped chain smoking and. You know,
he was addicted to tobacco worse than any heroin addict but he showed
absolutely no signs of withdrawal. It was completely inexplicable, very
scary,” stated the spouse.
She also noted—an observation made by Boehner’s
colleagues and millions of TV watchers—that his complexion had somehow changed
from orange to normal.
“He began speaking a language that he could not
possibly know and his voice often changed to very low or even guttural,” stated
Mrs. Boehner. The Speaker’s wife said that, she saw the congressman levitate
in the middle of the night in their bedroom during a congressional recess. She further stated that the levitation
was accompanied by the sound of glass breaking and that she felt the sensation
of wind blowing, even though the windows were closed.
“Of course these were signs that something was
terribly wrong.”
Father Denton, when asked about evidence of demon
possession, reported that during the exorcism Boehner made growling sounds
accompanied by such statements as “screw the poor, “let the homeless starve,”
and “nuke‘em.”
The priest further stated that, as objects came out
of nowhere and “weird, bizarre scratching sounds were heard,” the
representative repeatedly asked the rector if he had job security. “I want my
speaker's job. I love it. I'll do just anything to keep it. I
need it, I need it!," Fr. Denton reported Boehner as saying.
At one point, the rector of the Speaker’s church
stated, “John got off the bed and appeared to be making motions as if he
were mopping the floor of his father’s saloon as he did in his youth.
After, he made motions as if he went behind the bar and drank out
of a whisky bottle, then he staggered about the bedroom and fell flat on his
face."
The rector continued, "then a foul sulfurous smell filled the room, a window opened
on its own, and an odd looking
creature flew out. After, when John looked up smiling at me, I knew then that the demon was gone and
the exorcism successful.”
As frequently reported in the news, since the
exorcism Speaker Boehner has considerably changed his political views. Of
course, as a result of his new concerns about the dangers climate change,
hunger in America, loopholes in corporate tax laws, and “extremely unnecessary”
military spending, he will lose the Speakership. House Tea Party
members and their allies are livid and will remove Boehner from his post at
tomorrow’s GOP house caucus.
“ After we get rid of him as speaker, we’ll try to
take away his congressional seat. What happens to him after that, the
devil only knows,” stated one House Tea Partier.
Copyright Keith Shirey. May not be used
without credit to writer and blogsite's address.
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