Friday, January 31, 2014



Written by Keith Shirey

   Print this
Friday, 31 January 2014
image for Colleges Could Replace Football Teams With Race Horses
by Braven Dyer

For the first time in the history of college sports, athletes are asking to be represented by a labor union, taking formal steps on Tuesday to begin the process of being recognized as employees.
Ramogi Huma, president of the National College Players Association, filed a petition in Chicago on behalf of football players at Northwestern University, submitting the form at the regional office of the National Labor Relations Board.
They say that they're essentially "workers" who make enormous profits for the colleges they play for. Howard "Bull" Jones of U.S.C. has said "Look, we're semi-pro teams providing players for the NFL."
And that sentiment has been echoed by two players from Florida State who suggest that college football teams play the role of "farm teams" for major league baseball organizations, except that they are paid nothing.
Said a player from Notre Dame who wanted to be anonymous:
"The idea that we go to a major university to be a student athlete is a joke. College athletes play football, practice football, watch football, game films and play football videogames, We put in 40 hour weeks. We're too tired after practice to study. We're after the large salaries if we can make it to the pros. Come on, most of the players in college ball speak sub-standard English. Look at what they say when they're interviewed on TV," he said.
The anonymous player further stated, "Sure, they're exceptions like Pat Hayden who was a Rhodes scholar. But he's just the exception who proves the rule. There are very few of us."
"That football coaches should be paid more than college presidents shows that it's all assbackwards. The purpose of a college is to educate not field football teams. But the coaches earn 50 times more than the professors."
But the question of unionizing the worker-players wouldn't have to be dealt with if we just followed the suggestion of the late educator Robert Hutchins.
Back in the 1930's, Robert Hutchins said it would be better if the colleges got rid of football altogether. Instead they should have racehorses and have races with one another. The horses could carry the school colors and the students could let off steam and wildly cheer the way they do now and drunk afterwards at horse race parties.
The advantage would be that the horses would not have to attend classes and pretend to be "scholar athletes." Hutchins pointed out that under the present system it was possible to earn 12 letters without learning how to write one. A task so difficult for many football players would not have to be imposed on the hoses.
Following along the lines of Hutchins' suggestion colleges could hire professional boxers or cage fighters to wear the school colors and compete for alma mater.
Whether the NCAA would allow them to have a union we would have to see.
Make Keith Shirey's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)
The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
   Print this
 Discuss this story in the forum

More by this writer

Funny story:  John Boehner Calls In Exorcist

John Boehner Calls In Exorcist

Washington-- Because of the efforts of his wife and House colleagues who carried out an intervention, Speaker of The House, John Boehner, who was the victim of demonic possession, has had the demon expelled. The rite of exorcism was presided over by...
View Story
Funny story:  Best Name For Super Bowl, Stoner or Bud Bowl?

Best Name For Super Bowl, Stoner or Bud Bowl?

NEW YORK TIMES SPORTS by Red Grange This Sunday the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos - the NFL teams from the two sates that have legalized marijuana - will play in the Super Bowl. "We're calling it the 'Stoner Bowl,'" sai...
View Story
Funny story:  No ER Care For Children Of Undocumented

No ER Care For Children Of Undocumented

The Republican National Committee today issued the party's "Statement Of Principles" on immigration. Among its points are: 1) We recognize that our brown brothers and sisters are human beings especially genetically endowed to do stoop labor and pluck chickens in huge farm factories. 2) While we support the work of Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County, Az, and endorse his concept of a "Te...
View Story
Funny story:  Justin Bieber Falsely Accused Of Drag Racing

Justin Bieber Falsely Accused Of Drag Racing

Miami Beach cops claim Justin Bieber was drag racing and drunk, which caused his arrest. But Sgt. Joe "Pinocchio Nose" Soprano and his partner Elsie "Balls" Saunders of the beach police have confessed to looking for a reason to stop the controversia...
View Story
Funny story:  Pot Now Sold To inmates In Colorado Prisons

Pot Now Sold To inmates In Colorado Prisons

In urban centers such as New York City and Los Angeles, the sale of e-cigarettes in jails and prisons is forbidden. But throughout rural America prison guards are supplementing their incomes by selling there nicotine laden regular cigarette substitu...
View Story
Funny story:  Huckabee: U.S. Needs  Anti-Sex- League

Huckabee: U.S. Needs Anti-Sex- League

The former Governor of Arkansas, Fox News Host, and Fundamentalist Preacher called today for the formation of an Anti-Sex League. Huckabee recently has been in the news for calling for the cessation of birth control prescriptions provided to women b...
View Story