Tuesday, December 3, 2013
TOPS ON SATIRE SITE -"BOEHNER CALLS IN EXORCIST"
Friday, 29 November 2013
Washington-- Because of the efforts of his wife and House colleagues who carried out an intervention, Speaker of The House, John Boehner, who was the victim of demonic possession, has had the demon expelled. The rite of exorcism was presided over by Fr. Richard Denton. The priest is the rector of Church Of The Holy Sacrament. It is located in Boehner's 9th congressional district in the state of Ohio. The priest and the speaker are long-time friends.
When interviewed by this newspaper, Boehner's wife explained that she had noticed a significant change in the Speaker's behavior.
"Around the house John stopped crying. I hadn't seen tears for weeks. Then he stopped chain smoking and. You know, he was addicted to tobacco worse than any heroin addict but he showed absolutely no signs of withdrawal. It was completely inexplicable, very scary," stated the spouse.
She also noted-an observation made by Boehner's colleagues and millions of TV watchers-that his complexion had somehow changed from orange to normal.
"He began speaking a language that he could not possibly know and his voice often changed to very low or even guttural," stated Mrs. Boehner. The Speaker's wife said that, she saw the congressman levitate in the middle of the night in their bedroom during a congressional recess. She further stated that the levitation was accompanied by the sound of glass breaking and that she felt the sensation of wind blowing, even though the windows were closed.
"Of course these were signs that something was terribly wrong."
Father Denton, when asked about evidence of demon possession, reported that during the exorcism Boehner made growling sounds accompanied by such statements as "screw the poor, "let the homeless starve," and "nuke'em."
The priest further stated that, as objects came out of nowhere and "weird, bizarre scratching sounds were heard," the representative repeatedly asked the rector if he had job security. "I want my speaker's job. I love it. I'll do just anything to keep it. I need it, I need it!," Fr. Denton reported Boehner as saying.
At one point, the rector of the Speaker's church stated, "John got off the bed and appeared to be making motions as if he were mopping the floor of his father's saloon as he did in his youth. After, he made motions as if he went behind the bar and drank out of a whisky bottle, then he staggered about the bedroom and fell flat on his face."
The rector continued, "then a foul sulfurous smell filled the room, a window opened on its own, and an odd looking creature flew out. After, when John looked up smiling at me, I knew then that the demon was gone and the exorcism successful."
As frequently reported in the news, since the exorcism Speaker Boehner has considerably changed his political views. Of course, as a result of his new concerns about the dangers climate change, hunger in America, loopholes in corporate tax laws, and "extremely unnecessary" military spending, he will lose the Speakership. House Tea Party members and their allies are livid and will remove Boehner from his post at tomorrow's GOP house caucus.
" After we get rid of him as speaker, we'll try to take away his congressional seat. What happens to him after that, the devil only knows," stated one House Tea Partier.
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