THE SPOOF!

Duck Dynasty, Smith & Wesson, Army Team Up

Written by Keith Shirey

 

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Topics: Rednecks, duck dynasty, assault weapons, army recruiting

Saturday, 4 January 2014

SOON TO JOIN UP

NEWSWEEK

BUSINESS WEEKLY

by Gustaf Holtz

In an effort to corner the market on rednecks, girls and women, Duck Dynasty, gun makers Smith & Wesson and Mossberg have teamed up. The U.S. Military is acting in an advisory capacity to the new conglomerate.

As has been reported in this space, the gun-maker Mossberg has teamed up with Duck Commander, the Robertson-family owned Merchandise Company, to release nine different shotguns, as well as two semiautomatic rifles and a semiautomatic pistol.

In order to appeal to the most likely potential gun purchasers the stock of the Duck Dynasty guns have the choice of pictures of an outhouse, a large cracker, and a hooded KKK figure.

Now, while these guns will still be available, the consortium is adding a wide range of firearms for women and girls. Smith & Wesson already has five models of guns they call "Lady Smiths." The handles/stocks of these guns are in pink.

Now, both Mossberg and Smith & Wesson will manufacture semiautomatic rifles and pistols that come in pink and purple. For small girls, there are .22 caliber smaller weapons suitable for tiny hands.

In addition, for the little girls, targets will come in pink, and will be silhouettes of little boys, who, at that age, girls tend to be wary, if not alienated from. For tweens and adolescents the targets will be silhouettes of swarthy/dark men who look like Arabs or Africans.

The idea to have pubescent and adolescent girls shoot at these targets comes from the U.S. Military.

"We advise war game video companies on how to make the games realistic, get boys desensitized to killing other humans by playing the videos, so we thought we'd so the same for girls," said Major J.R. Savage army spokeswoman.

"As the U.S. Empire pivots to Africa to protect Western oil and mineral assets, we need both men and women who are ready to kill," said Savage.

When asked how the military related to Duck Commander the Major stated, "Well, our recruiters troll for poor white trash in the Southern part of the country. We recruit a bunch of them. A lot of them are ignorant fundamentalists like the Robertson's, but are now military, so we have a natural affinity. It all works out well."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.