THE SPOOF!

Walmart Recalls Risky GE Food But Has More

Written by Keith Shirey

 

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Topics: GM, USDA

Monday, 6 January 2014

Mrs. Jones W-Mart Cheddar

NEW YORK - Wall-Mart Stores Inc. says it's considering taking legal action against "responsible parties" after DNA testing of Mrs. Jones Wall-Mart Cheddar Cheese showed traces of Pig's milk, the world's hottest Chile pepper --the Trinidad Moruga Scorpion-- rotten Kiwi fruit, and goat's urine.

Wall-Mart had recalled the cheese after DNA testing by the USDA. The "cheese," like many Wall-Mart food offerings was made in The People's Republic of China. The company said Thursday that it withdrew all products from the supplier, Dezhou Fujude Food Company, and that affected customers were offered compensation.

However, the compensation, $12.44 cents per customer has prompted many lawsuits against the Walton family owned company.

"It just ain't enough," said Rita Huge, 47, a typical Wall-Mart customer from Broken Urinal, GA. "Me and my husband Earle suffered terrible. 'Course we'll continue shopping here because the stuff they offer is so easy on the purse," she stated as she waddled down the W-Mart store aisles.

The creation, Mrs. Jones Wall-Mart Cheddar, was the result of genetic engineering that introduces DNA, prepared outside the main ingredient cow's milk and is fused or hybridized with the milk. Why the strange ingredients were part of the product, it turns out, is because the genetic engineering occurred in a laboratory manned by anti-government dissident scientists who have since been arrested by The People's Republic.

Apparently, they have introduced strange combinations of DNA into many products purchased by W-Mart, in order to embarrass both the company and the government. The Dezhou Fujude Food Co. is just one of many food product suppliers to W-Mart. What products, soon to be on the shelves of the world's largest merchandiser, are as bizarre as Mrs. Jones W-Mart Cheddar will be ascertained by future purchases in its stores.

Wall-Mart has no issued any customer warnings about the potential dangers of food products it will sell in the future, prompting criticism form consumer advocate groups such as "Wall-Mart Sucks."

Customers, who ate the Wall-Mart Cheddar turned green, became cross-eyed, developed irritable bowl syndrome, genital warts, broke out in purple rashes, and cried for help from their Mothers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.